I have grief. It comes in waves that wash over me at unexpected times. Sometimes without warning and it feels like there is no reason for it. A random rush of emotions that sweep me off my feet, hold me down, and sends me spinning in my mind. Where did that even come from?
Ever been there? Wondering if there’s a reason for what you’re feeling? Me too!
But, there is always a reason. I just have to stop long enough to listen to what my mind is shouting at me. The root of where the emotions spring from.
Today I didn’t have to stop for long to figure out where this monstrous, life-sucking root came from. I’m sad that I find myself wondering what people REALLY think of me. And letting that consume my thoughts and cripple my ability to move on and still be effective. Approval has been my enemy. A trap to my potential. Being caught in the undertow of seeking other’s approval had completely destroyed me.
Being consumed by the thought that I was only as effective as the opinion that others had of me, blinded my ability to see who God made me to be. My forever identity in Him. It blurred my vision and led me to believe that I could somehow be redefined by those around me. Particularly of those I craved approval from the most. Heartbreaking!
And then, the emotions started to kick in. I realized that I had allowed the white flag to arise. I started to believe the lie that I will never be good enough, so why try? I’ll never be loveable, so why put myself out there? I’ll never be taken seriously, so I might as well not fight for my voice to be heard. What’s the point of exhausting myself, if I’m shot down every time? Who am I anyway? Wait….I’m the problem. Do you see where this is headed?
I’ve often caught myself wondering why I go down this psychological path. Why do I find it so hard to find the potential in myself? Why do my failures seem so catastrophic and in perpetuum, without the hope of a purpose underneath it? And then I did some research and found that I am NOT ALONE! We can all get to this point so easily, and without even realizing it.
The answer for me, lies in what (or whom) I am allowing my identity to be rooted in. And what I have discovered, is that I don’t have to live under the identity that anyone but God himself has placed upon me. I don’t have to be what others think I should be. I was never meant to carry that label.
Hey “Failure, Problem Child, Unstable, Half-Hearted, Slow, Unfixable, Stubborn, Selfish, Ignorant, Irresponsible, Frustrating, Inconvenient” Michelle? YOU ARE NOT ME! I refuse to wear the titles! For years, I wore you like a tattered old sweater. Putting you on like I had no other options in the closet. You are the lie that Satan wanted me to believe I was. And wear it with shame.
Today, I’m throwing this old, beat up, ugly sweater into the fire to be consumed! I am a daughter of The King! I refuse to wear anything less than the crown that my Abba Father has deemed me worthy of wearing.
Failure?……..No! God says He has a future full of hope for me!
Problem Child?…….No! I am loved unconditionally-that’s who I am!
Unstable?……No! He has set my feet upon solid ground, and I am IMMOVEABLE!
Half-Hearted?…..No! I am not my own. I belong to Jesus. No halfzies here!
Slow?…..No! I am well thought out and wise!
Unfixable?….No! I am redeemed!
Stubborn?…..No! I just know who I am and whose I am!
Selfish?…..No! He makes me generous!
Ignorant?……No! I am moldable and flexible!
Irresponsible?….No! I am not defined by anything less than Jesus’s blood and righteousness!
Frustrating?……No! My Abba sings over me with delight!
Inconvenient?…..No! He showed me that I am worth dying for!
I am Michelle, daughter of the Lord Most High, and I am not enough. But He is. And He makes me be enough, because I am His. I may not be complete, but I am a beautiful work in progress, redeemed by His love, made with a purpose, and worth dying for. Because HE SAYS SO!
Pardon me, I’m just going to straighten my tiara.
Relentless Rise 