Then Came The Storm

Remember the brick wall? Black ooze of the past? Feeling alone and desperate, but having no way of overcoming the impossible? Oh, do I dare say it gets better?

As I have stood at that wall with no way around or over it, I have wondered if this was it. This is how it ends? Well, at least I did my best. I gave it all I had.

Then came the storm…

An earth shaking, ground buckling magnitude of force that shook me to my core and flattened me on my back with no hope of righting myself. A moment where I felt an accute sense of smallness. An object being tossed about helplessly like a pebble on a highway. What is this, and when does it end?

I will tell you this much….realizing my need to divorce while being in a significant church leadership roll (or my then husband, rather), has been the most lonely and devistating thing I have ever had to do. Not only, does it cause doubt, fear, sadness, and maybe even anger, in those who’ve been left in it’s wake, but it sent me spiralling into aloneness. Nobody knows what to do with an ex-music pastor’s, ex-wife.

The friends that I had beside me before, suddenly disappeared. My entire support base and prayer warriors went silent. Only a few reached out to see what they could do to help. And as to not fall prey to apathy, I did have some huge financial help in the first couple of months. But, it soon fizzled out. As if bills cease to exist for me, when the shock wears off from everyone else. Being left alone to raise four young kids with not enough financial backing is like telling a starving dog to hunt for its own dinner. And that is how I have felt. Somehow this ends up being my fault for leaving. Right? I mean, I could have stayed in my marriage. I could have chosen to keep living in the oppression that was killing me from the inside out. At least I got to be home with our kids. Would that have been the better choice? Hardly.

I can only imagine that some just don’t know how to process it. Others may not agree with my decision. Others still don’t know what happened, so they live in ignorance. Not that any of this is anyone’s fault. I want to be very careful as to not blame or shame anyone involved. But, I do want to bring awareness. I want to call people to a clearer picture of what it is like to go from church leader, to church forgotten. There is a gaping need for change in the church’s response when it comes to abuse that leads to divorce. And I’m starting the change with me. I know that this happens even more commonly with those who are not in church leadership.

Back at the wall, being jostled around was what I have lived for the past year. But what I started to see happening, was that while I was being shaken like never before, so was the wall! And just like I was not able to stay upright, neither did the wall! It started to crumble and give way! God was working. He was there. He did see. He knew my limitations.

And then I realized that after the shaking stopped, the wall was no longer a wall, but an enormous pile of rubble. Was I tired? Yes. Was I bloodied, bruised, and out of energy? Yes. But it was now climbable. I could now find safety from the threat behind me.

I have my work cut out for me. Some days, it’s like climbing a mountain. One foot in front of the other. Not seeing much change in scenery, but trusting that some movement is better than none. One more step means progress. One more step toward the summit.

Have you ever had the experience of summiting a mountain? If you have, you are well aware of the sense of accomplishment that feeds your will to continue. If you have not, allow me to paint you a word picture.

In August, I had the incredible experience of summiting He Devil, the highest point in the Seven Devils Mountains in Idaho. An elevation of 9,420 feet. Most of the climb was steep incline. Think boulders and loose rock. The ascent is complex, with very few switch backs, and more of a verticle defiance against lethargy. It was tough! I had to take breaks to catch my breath and refuel with water, electrolytes, and protein. There were points where I found myself asking, “How much further until the summit? I’m tired!” But, I was also warned that the descent is even more difficult. So why do it?

I did it for the view at the top that I heard would be so amazing. I did it because in this girl that you may have come to know as having a lot of grace, there is also an epic amount of grit. I don’t like to give up. I like to finish. And finish strong. I like to challenge myself to do things that I’ve never done before. And then encourage other people to try it too.

I remember when I climbed that last boulder to the summit, how amazing it felt to now be able to say that I had done it! I got to the top! As I struggled to catch my breath in the oppressive altitude, I remember looking at the view around me. I lost my breath again. This time it wasn’t from the high elevation. The beauty was astounding. The fresh wind cooling my sweaty face was like a kiss from the angels.

As I stood atop, I had a 360 degree view of the Hell’s Canyon Wilderness. In the distance, I could see the Wallowa Mountains, and was absolutely enamored by the view of at least 12 lakes surrounding me. And for a moment, I forgot about the struggle to get there. It was all worth it.

I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul’s exhortation to the Hebrew church to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” We have a hope. His name is Jesus. There is a plan, it’s called “the race”. Our perseverance will earn us the satifaction of completion. Of winning. Of being a finisher.

So, that wall? It’s actually going to become a mountain with a view from the top. And the climb? It’s tough! But, you don’t have to do this alone! I know what it is to be alone. I don’t want you there! I am here for you in your journey. If you are feeling trapped or weary from your travels, please reach out to me! Either leave a comment, or if you’d like to discuss something more privately, email me. I may not have answers, but I can pray for you, be a shoulder to lean on when your strength is gone, or get you connected with one of the Relentless Rise adventures so that you can feel a sense of community around you. We were made for togetherness. Let’s climb this mountain, and enjoy the view from the top together!

Hebrews 12: 1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.