A Wounded Mindset

How do you view yourself? I mean, do you feel that you “deserve” happiness? Uh oh. I just made some of you really uncomfortable, didn’t I? Isn’t the Christian phraseology supposed to go something like, “I feel blessed”, or “If God wills it”? But, deserve? I’m not sure that’s theologically conducive to a purist mentality. That might suggest selfishness to admit that I deserve anything. After all, isn’t what I really “deserve” nothing more than hell and eternal suffering?

Hmm, interesting. I’m glad you brought that up. Let’s focus on that one for a hot minute. Yes, the pun was intentional.

I’m just wondering why that word has a negative connotation. Could it have something to do with how we view ourselves? Could it translate into how we think God views us? Or how we self define what is “right” for us, based upon our actions? Could it have something to do with how we have been hurt in the past? And how we still carry the damage from that hurt in our very souls, to the point that we have believed that we are no longer deserving of anything good?

Let’s play out this mentality a bit. If I go to work for 40 hours a week for a year, do I not deserve to be paid? Is that not the agreement? How many of us would feel justified to take an employer to court if we worked a year without pay? Sheesh, I wouldn’t last a week! At the very least, we would be angry and make sure we told everyone we know of the injustice done, and petition a boycott of said organization. We even have the Bureau of Labor and Industries that would be all over shutting down a business that operates in such a manner. So, there are definitely scenarios where we do indeed “deserve” things.

If you are still debating whether this post is worthy of slapping the label “blasphemous” with a red inked stamp, please hear me out before burning me at the stake. I still hold to the Biblical teaching that salvation is not something that we deserve, nor can we earn it. It is a gift from God. It comes through the sacrifice of Jesus’s death, burial, and resurrection. Please reread that if you must, in order to assure yourself that I have not jumped off of the theologically sound bandwagon.

Here’s where I do want to challenge your thinking though. I think often times, it’s easy for us Christians to make a blanket statement about words like “deserve”, and live an impoverished and half starved spiritual life. Uh oh. I just made you uncomfortable again, huh? Wait, does she hold to a prosperity gospel?

Let me ease your mind. Yes! Yes I do believe that God wants us to prosper! Why else would Psalm 1: 1-3 say, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all he does, he prospers.”? God’s words, not mine. God wants us to prosper! No, not necessarily in the same way as the typical human would view prospering, but sometimes, absolutely! I hear King Solomon’s riches would demote Joel Osteen to a pauper. And God said he was wise! Not selfish. Not self seeking. Let’s be real here, if nobody in the church had any money, you can kiss that 20oz. skinny, soy vanilla latte that you purchased last Sunday from the “He-brews Café” in the foyer of your church goodbye. As well as the kid’s programs, community outreaches, and sponsored missionaries. Yes, God’s word goes forth when we prosper. So, therefore he wants us to prosper. Now simmer.

Okay, back to deserving though. I mean, okay, I’ve explained why I believe we should prosper in the right context, but how am I going to pull off the whole deserving magic? It’s not as magical as one would think. Unless you view God as similar to Gandalf, but more, you know “all powerful”. In which case, we could be good friends.

If God says that we are his kids, do we not deserve to be called by that? Does anyone get to reinvent, retitle, or redefine us? Nope! That’s what he says we are. Sit on that for a second. If you are in Christ, you deserve to be called his child. Simply because that’s what you are, and nothing else. Did we work for, earn, and maintain that title? Nope. But we still deserve to be called that. Anything else is an offensive lie.

So, having laid the groundwork for context, are we still tracking together? Do I believe we deserve everything we want? That’s silly. I would have been driving by the age of 9, and the world would be even more damaged than it already is today. But, I do believe that we deserve those things that God has given to us as gifts to enjoy. We deserve happiness. Because God loves to make us happy! Did you know when we read scripture, and it says, “Blessed are those…”, it actually means, “Happy are those…”? Yes, in the right context, God gives us the right to be happy in him! To be happy in the gifts he gives us, and then to spread that happiness to others. And those around us have the right to experience that happiness as well! It’s not about keeping it hidden, or as some kind of a secret code between us and God.

Why is it so hard for us to accept that God, do I dare say, shows us that we deserve love and affection? Perhaps because we have been living in a state of a wounded mindset.

I was sexually molested by two strangers when I was 9. Wow, shocking plot twist there. My sincerest apologies for giving you eye whiplash. Yes, you read that correctly. I bring this up, because it’s so very relevant to how many of us struggle to view ourselves in the way that God views us. Since the age of 9, I have been conditioned to think that I am property. Disposable. Something to use, and then discard when no longer wanted by the user. My mindset has caused me an enormous amount of grief that could have been avoided, if I would have known how to live in my worth, rather than the painful wound that those two men slapped on me at such a young age. I have lived most of my life truly believing that I was damaged goods. That nobody would really want me. So I gave in to whoever showed me attention. I perpetuated the hurt by drawing in more people who would take advantage of my hurt. I became a self fulfilled prophesy. I became worthless, because I allowed people to treat me as such.

Can you relate? Abuse, abandonment, neglect, death of a parent, divorce, and so many other things, can lead to having an improper view of ourselves. It impacts the value that we place on ourselves. Somehow the lie is slowly implanted that we must not mean much for these life circumstances to have happened to us. Somehow, this ends up being our fault, and we deserve less happiness as a result. Did you just catch that? We deserve less happiness. Oh, so we do deserve things, just not good things. Or so we learn to believe.

But, what happens when I step away from that label, and start living in the worth that God has placed upon me since before the foundations of the world were laid? What happens when I start to refuse to let other people’s opinion or view of me, define my potential? What happens when I separate me from what happens around me? What happens when I stop seeking the approval of others, and press in to the approval that I already have from my Heavenly Father?

A star is born! No, not the Hollywood kind (but, if you’d like to nominate me, I wouldn’t be mad). The kind made of hydrogen and helium. The kind that through the stirring of it’s nuclear forges, produces light and heat. The kind that contains the power to radiate heat and light up the darkness! The kind where life is able to flourish and multiply. The kind that life is drawn to, can only survive because of, and becomes dependent on. That’s what happens!

When I start to live in the value that I am worth not only being loved, but craved, needed, wanted, I stand in a God given confidence! Does he not crave my affection? He absolutely does! That’s why he wants me to read his word, pray, and worship! Because he longs to be with me! Not as some needy and starved animal, but as a lover of my soul, in pursuit of making me into the whole person he sees me already being. He longs for me. He longs for ME! And he longs for you too!

When I am able to live in light of his perfect love for me, all of a sudden, I no longer feel the need to find my wholeness from another person. That’s an impossibility for those who are wondering. We cannot look to another hurting soul to bind up our brokenness and make us all better, so we can live happily ever after. That’s a God sized job, so stop doing what I did by putting that weight on those I craved attention from the most. When they eventually don’t come through, devastation is inevitable. And, it’s unfair to both them and you.

I have been learning, albeit through painful circumstances, that I cannot look for happiness in any other place than my own soul. That is my garden that God has gifted me with to cultivate. I get out of it what I put into it. If I plant seeds of worthlessness, I will harvest a worthless crop. If I plant seeds of worth, value, self love, respect, and strength, I will harvest that as well. And, until I know who I am in Christ, I won’t be able to choose the right seed to plant. But, when I learn the technique, I draw the blessing of merging the garden of my soul, with the baby star of God given confidence, to create an ecosystem that’s sustainable. Those who cultivate their souls through knowing their worth, draw others who do the same. And from that, I reap the immense blessing of friendship and Christ centered love. The kind that everyone envies and wants to have, but doesn’t know how to get. How much more simple, than to realize my own worth, and benefit all of that because I chose to love me? The me that God loves. The me that I am discovering. The me that is WORTH IT!

Do I deserve happiness? Yes! Do I deserve to be loved? Yes! Do I deserve to prosper? Yes! But, I better cultivate that in my own garden, with God’s help first! Because only then will I be able to come boldly, confidently to a place where I can be happily me. Not looking around for someone to complete me. Because although I have been broken, I was never incomplete to begin with.