Come Out Of Hiding

Sometimes it’s hard to be honest. Okay, most of the time, when it really counts, it’s hard to be honest. With myself, with God, and with people. I don’t like being vulnerable. It feels terribly unsafe.

If I’m honest, maybe people will turn their back on me. Maybe the people I love the most will walk away. Maybe I will live alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I will be alone.

I’ve been reading a book by Sheila Walsh called In the Middle of the Mess. If you are looking for a raw and honest perspective on how to live boldly through excruciatingly painful circumstances, read this book. If you are looking for encouragement, read this book. If you’re looking for someone to actually say it like it is, even when it’s hard, read this book. It has given me a complete paradigm shift in how to live in raw and honest truth about the hurt in my life.

As I’m still only about halfway through, I have already been completely convicted in how I view my past trauma and pain. Highlighter in hand, I have poured over these pages and wept tears of relief that somebody else finally gets it! Pain should not be stuffed away in a nice, temperature controlled ice box within my soul. It is a part of what makes me, me. And it is important to recognize this.

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“In a room where people unanimously maintain a conspiracy of silence, one word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.” -Czeslaw Milosz

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The words jumped off the page as I read them. Sheila spoke truth, straight to my heart when she said, “The depth of your honesty invites the glory of God’s presence.”

I had been hiding parts of my pain. I didn’t like the ugly parts that I didn’t handle well, so I shoved them deep down so I couldn’t see them anymore. I tried to not feel it either, but that never worked, even though I wouldn’t admit it. And my anger grew more fierce as I tried so desperately to push away the pain of the past.

I didn’t trust a single person. In fact I isolated myself behind what people would tell me was my “million dollar smile”. I pretended I was okay, but I was most certainly not. And I felt so alone. Because I was.

“But the sad truth is, holding back my true self made me alone. By isolating those parts of myself, I was never really known by anyone”. -Sheila Walsh, In the Middle of the Mess

I had been so afraid of the truth. I was angry that I couldn’t trust anyone.

I had successfully closed off my heart. Yes, you read that correctly. I had closed off my heart. To people. To myself. And ultimately, to God. I didn’t want anyone to really know what I have been through because I didn’t think anyone would really understand. I felt like I was too much of a burden to bear, so I’d just bear it alone. That way I wouldn’t be hurt when people decide to leave because of it.

But I got hurt anyway.

Trying to sort through and manage pain alone is like slowly bleeding out on a cold sidewalk. There is absolutely no hope of being rescued.

I learned that being alone felt safer. I didn’t have to worry about polishing myself up. I honestly still feel that many times. I’ve been through so many scenarios when just as I begin to open up my heart, people slam it shut and walk away.

Fortunately, I still hold the key. And I’m choosing to keep it open. Open to people. Open to feeling deeply. Open to being drained by grief. Because there’s a rawness there that I know I need to nurture. And people need to see what it looks like to go through hell and still not be ruined.

I finally don’t mind being drained by grief anymore. Because as soon as I’m no longer drowning in it, I can be filled with the good things that God has for me. And I so desperately crave the feeling of his presence.

So, for now I will grieve. I will grieve the things I have had to walk through. The things I have lost. The desires of my heart that will never be.

I will come out of hiding.

I will live raw and honestly. I will remember that I am not meant to carry every depth of every detail alone. I can bring my deepest, darkest truths to God and still be loved and accepted.

Today I hurt. But I hurt with a hope.

I know that it will turn to dancing, if I am brave and take the step toward living freely, without shame of being emotionaly vulnerable.

Life is so hard sometimes, and I’m going to tell Jesus all about it. I am not alone.

And so, I will come out of hiding. I will be honest about my pain. I will begin to empty myself out, so that God will be able to fill me with his presence and goodness.