Where There Is Truth, There Is Freedom!

Psalm 40:11

“Do not withhold your mercy from me, O lord;

may your love and your truth always protect me.”

Even today, I struggle to remember the truth. Some days are just hard.

As I lay in my bed, tears streaming down my face, the lies came back. I was tired from a late night, so that didn’t help either.

“Who would want me?”

“Why would anyone waste their time on me?”

“I’ve been hurt so badly, the pain will never go away.”

“I’m too much. And also, not enough.”

“I’m not meant to be loved.”

“I’m not worth it.”

The pain burned through my heart like a hot knife. I was alone. And that’s just the way it had to be. Rejection and abandonment threatened to rob me of my hope.

“God, why are you making me go through this torment?!”

Memories of the past gnawed at my inner strength like a dog’s jowl to a meat-laden bone.

My thoughts involuntarily traveled back in time, to a dark and desperate time in my life. I had just lost my baby. I couldn’t make sense of it.

We hadn’t even planned for it, but there we were, expectant parents. And, I loved the thought of it. He did not. After my miscarriage was confirmed, I sensed relief in him. I was left with grief. I felt angry. I didn’t understand why it was so easy for him to move on.

My unresolved anger turned to resentment, which later turned to disdain for him and for God. And as much as I tried not to, I hated hearing everyone announce their pregnancies for the next year, at least.

I was angry. Livid, in fact, at the gall that God had in even keeping me alive. I wanted to die.

I began to plan how I would make it happen, sometimes out loud, so that he could hear what my heart was going through.

On one particular day, I remember laying on the couch, completely dissociated with the world. I don’t remember what I asked him, but what I do remember is the cold answer he gave me.

We never talked about the baby. Even though I tried to. When I would bring it up, he would brush it off, and change the conversation.

On this particular day, I had reached the end of myself. I lost it. I went into a full on grief tornado/panic attack.

He looked me dead in the eye and said to me, “You are a freak of nature. I don’t know how to handle you.”

I didn’t need to be “handled”. I needed to be heard, validated, and held. I needed for him to see my brokenness and want to help. I needed him to at least try to sympathize with what I was tangled in. But, he couldn’t. He didn’t.

My thoughts hung on this memory for what seemed like an eternity.

I felt so trapped. So small and helpless. So unworthy.

I just wanted to be in a place where things were stable. A place that I could be confident that I would feel whole, and that investing my emotions wouldn’t feel like such a waste. I lay there in complete defeat. Or, so I thought.

I have come so far in my faith and trust in God, by His gentle grace in my life, but there are days that I still struggle with feeling like maybe He thinks of me this way, too. Maybe I’m not really worth it to Him either. Maybe He’s annoyed and put off by my doubts and emotions, too.

Until God reminded me of a phrase that He had me write down a few months ago.

Here I was, sitting in misery, trying to figure out which lesson I was supposed to learn this time. Why couldn’t I just learn my lesson? Why did I have to keep reliving the same nightmare in my mind? And then, I looked at the dry erase board hanging on my wall, and saw this:

“Sometimes, it’s not so much a lesson that we need to learn as it is a truth we need to hold on to, during a trial.”

Oh, Jesus, please renew my mind! I had the wrong perspective.

I spent some time reading Psalm 40. I let the words soak into my soul.

I let myself cry for a bit longer. Not out of frustration and defeat, but out of relief that my hope had been restored. I looked at myself in the mirror. I spoke the truth to myself. There is something so powerfully redemptive about speaking the truth out loud.

Sometimes, it’s because that’s what our brains need to do in order to cement the truth instead of the lies. Other times, I think it’s because Satan needs to hear that we know the truth. He can’t read our minds, so he needs to hear that we do not fight for victory, but that we fight from victory. Satan is a defeated foe, and we need to not only remind ourselves of this, we need to remind him as well!

Here are some of the truths I spoke to myself:

“Even if everyone else decides to walk away, I have Jesus. That won’t ever change.”

“This is only a temporary discomfort. I am not home yet.”

“My life is but a vapor; here and then gone. My hope cannot come from things that fade, but from the resolute knowledge that I am created with the purpose of knowing God, and making Him known.”

“I don’t have to feel alone. I have God’s living and active word that speaks to me and changes the very nature of my existence from grief, to overwhelming joy. In His presence, there is fullness of joy. Yes, even on the days I don’t feel worthy.”

“I am not alone. I have an unseen army of angels and my Creator God fighting for and protecting me.”

Perhaps Charles Spurgeon described it most eloquently when he said, “Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.”

I am worth it. I am worth it!

“Get behind me, Satan! If I’m not worth it, why are you “wasting” so much of your time trying to annihilate me? You slithering con artist.”

The truth is: Jesus. The truth is, I am covered by Him. The truth is, I don’t have to fight for victory. I fight from the victory that He has already established.

Today, I am reminded that I am protected by The Truth and His perfect love. And perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4: 18).

I don’t need to fear abandonment and rejection. That is to be wrapped up in the opinions and brokenness of people in this world. As if that should hold any authority in my thought process at all!

There is healing in Jesus. I don’t have to fear what has been or what is to come. No part of my story is a surprise to Him, nor is it outside of His tender mercy. He sees me, hears me, knows me, and still chooses to love me. Always, and no matter what. He has never failed me. And He won’t start now.

I have a renewed hope.

I see The Truth. And where there is truth, there is FREEDOM!

I am free to hope. Free to dream. Free to accept that my God has greater things to come. And free to welcome His plan.

There is freedom in His faithful and constant love. I will hold onto The Truth and find freedom from the weight that, so often I tell myself, I am destined to carry.

I am not rejected or abandoned. I am not a freak of nature. I am chosen, sought, accepted, and pursued.

This is the truth. This is my freedom. I am loved.