Psalm 40:11

“Do not withhold your mercy from me, O lord;

may your love and your truth always protect me.”

Even today, I struggle to remember the truth. Some days are just hard.

As I lay in my bed, tears streaming down my face, the lies came back. I was tired from a late night, so that didn’t help either.

“Who would want me?”

“Why would anyone waste their time on me?”

“I’ve been hurt so badly, the pain will never go away.”

“I’m too much. And also, not enough.”

“I’m not meant to be loved.”

“I’m not worth it.”

The pain burned through my heart like a hot knife. I was alone. And that’s just the way it had to be. Rejection and abandonment threatened to rob me of my hope.

“God, why are you making me go through this torment?!”

Memories of the past gnawed at my inner strength like a dog’s jowl to a meat-laden bone.

My thoughts involuntarily traveled back in time, to a dark and desperate time in my life. I had just lost my baby. I couldn’t make sense of it.

We hadn’t even planned for it, but there we were, expectant parents. And, I loved the thought of it. He did not. After my miscarriage was confirmed, I sensed relief in him. I was left with grief. I felt angry. I didn’t understand why it was so easy for him to move on.

My unresolved anger turned to resentment, which later turned to disdain for him and for God. And as much as I tried not to, I hated hearing everyone announce their pregnancies for the next year, at least.

I was angry. Livid, in fact, at the gall that God had in even keeping me alive. I wanted to die.

I began to plan how I would make it happen, sometimes out loud, so that he could hear what my heart was going through.

On one particular day, I remember laying on the couch, completely dissociated with the world. I don’t remember what I asked him, but what I do remember is the cold answer he gave me.

We never talked about the baby. Even though I tried to. When I would bring it up, he would brush it off, and change the conversation.

On this particular day, I had reached the end of myself. I lost it. I went into a full on grief tornado/panic attack.

He looked me dead in the eye and said to me, “You are a freak of nature. I don’t know how to handle you.”

I didn’t need to be “handled”. I needed to be heard, validated, and held. I needed for him to see my brokenness and want to help. I needed him to at least try to sympathize with what I was tangled in. But, he couldn’t. He didn’t.

My thoughts hung on this memory for what seemed like an eternity.

I felt so trapped. So small and helpless. So unworthy.

I just wanted to be in a place where things were stable. A place that I could be confident that I would feel whole, and that investing my emotions wouldn’t feel like such a waste. I lay there in complete defeat. Or, so I thought.

I have come so far in my faith and trust in God, by His gentle grace in my life, but there are days that I still struggle with feeling like maybe He thinks of me this way, too. Maybe I’m not really worth it to Him either. Maybe He’s annoyed and put off by my doubts and emotions, too.

Until God reminded me of a phrase that He had me write down a few months ago.

Here I was, sitting in misery, trying to figure out which lesson I was supposed to learn this time. Why couldn’t I just learn my lesson? Why did I have to keep reliving the same nightmare in my mind? And then, I looked at the dry erase board hanging on my wall, and saw this:

“Sometimes, it’s not so much a lesson that we need to learn as it is a truth we need to hold on to, during a trial.”

Oh, Jesus, please renew my mind! I had the wrong perspective.

I spent some time reading Psalm 40. I let the words soak into my soul.

I let myself cry for a bit longer. Not out of frustration and defeat, but out of relief that my hope had been restored. I looked at myself in the mirror. I spoke the truth to myself. There is something so powerfully redemptive about speaking the truth out loud.

Sometimes, it’s because that’s what our brains need to do in order to cement the truth instead of the lies. Other times, I think it’s because Satan needs to hear that we know the truth. He can’t read our minds, so he needs to hear that we do not fight for victory, but that we fight from victory. Satan is a defeated foe, and we need to not only remind ourselves of this, we need to remind him as well!

Here are some of the truths I spoke to myself:

“Even if everyone else decides to walk away, I have Jesus. That won’t ever change.”

“This is only a temporary discomfort. I am not home yet.”

“My life is but a vapor; here and then gone. My hope cannot come from things that fade, but from the resolute knowledge that I am created with the purpose of knowing God, and making Him known.”

“I don’t have to feel alone. I have God’s living and active word that speaks to me and changes the very nature of my existence from grief, to overwhelming joy. In His presence, there is fullness of joy. Yes, even on the days I don’t feel worthy.”

“I am not alone. I have an unseen army of angels and my Creator God fighting for and protecting me.”

Perhaps Charles Spurgeon described it most eloquently when he said, “Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.”

I am worth it. I am worth it!

“Get behind me, Satan! If I’m not worth it, why are you “wasting” so much of your time trying to annihilate me? You slithering con artist.”

The truth is: Jesus. The truth is, I am covered by Him. The truth is, I don’t have to fight for victory. I fight from the victory that He has already established.

Today, I am reminded that I am protected by The Truth and His perfect love. And perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4: 18).

I don’t need to fear abandonment and rejection. That is to be wrapped up in the opinions and brokenness of people in this world. As if that should hold any authority in my thought process at all!

There is healing in Jesus. I don’t have to fear what has been or what is to come. No part of my story is a surprise to Him, nor is it outside of His tender mercy. He sees me, hears me, knows me, and still chooses to love me. Always, and no matter what. He has never failed me. And He won’t start now.

I have a renewed hope.

I see The Truth. And where there is truth, there is FREEDOM!

I am free to hope. Free to dream. Free to accept that my God has greater things to come. And free to welcome His plan.

There is freedom in His faithful and constant love. I will hold onto The Truth and find freedom from the weight that, so often I tell myself, I am destined to carry.

I am not rejected or abandoned. I am not a freak of nature. I am chosen, sought, accepted, and pursued.

This is the truth. This is my freedom. I am loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to be honest. Okay, most of the time, when it really counts, it’s hard to be honest. With myself, with God, and with people. I don’t like being vulnerable. It feels terribly unsafe.

If I’m honest, maybe people will turn their back on me. Maybe the people I love the most will walk away. Maybe I will live alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I will be alone.

I’ve been reading a book by Sheila Walsh called In the Middle of the Mess. If you are looking for a raw and honest perspective on how to live boldly through excruciatingly painful circumstances, read this book. If you are looking for encouragement, read this book. If you’re looking for someone to actually say it like it is, even when it’s hard, read this book. It has given me a complete paradigm shift in how to live in raw and honest truth about the hurt in my life.

As I’m still only about halfway through, I have already been completely convicted in how I view my past trauma and pain. Highlighter in hand, I have poured over these pages and wept tears of relief that somebody else finally gets it! Pain should not be stuffed away in a nice, temperature controlled ice box within my soul. It is a part of what makes me, me. And it is important to recognize this.

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“In a room where people unanimously maintain a conspiracy of silence, one word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.” -Czeslaw Milosz

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The words jumped off the page as I read them. Sheila spoke truth, straight to my heart when she said, “The depth of your honesty invites the glory of God’s presence.”

I had been hiding parts of my pain. I didn’t like the ugly parts that I didn’t handle well, so I shoved them deep down so I couldn’t see them anymore. I tried to not feel it either, but that never worked, even though I wouldn’t admit it. And my anger grew more fierce as I tried so desperately to push away the pain of the past.

I didn’t trust a single person. In fact I isolated myself behind what people would tell me was my “million dollar smile”. I pretended I was okay, but I was most certainly not. And I felt so alone. Because I was.

“But the sad truth is, holding back my true self made me alone. By isolating those parts of myself, I was never really known by anyone”. -Sheila Walsh, In the Middle of the Mess

I had been so afraid of the truth. I was angry that I couldn’t trust anyone.

I had successfully closed off my heart. Yes, you read that correctly. I had closed off my heart. To people. To myself. And ultimately, to God. I didn’t want anyone to really know what I have been through because I didn’t think anyone would really understand. I felt like I was too much of a burden to bear, so I’d just bear it alone. That way I wouldn’t be hurt when people decide to leave because of it.

But I got hurt anyway.

Trying to sort through and manage pain alone is like slowly bleeding out on a cold sidewalk. There is absolutely no hope of being rescued.

I learned that being alone felt safer. I didn’t have to worry about polishing myself up. I honestly still feel that many times. I’ve been through so many scenarios when just as I begin to open up my heart, people slam it shut and walk away.

Fortunately, I still hold the key. And I’m choosing to keep it open. Open to people. Open to feeling deeply. Open to being drained by grief. Because there’s a rawness there that I know I need to nurture. And people need to see what it looks like to go through hell and still not be ruined.

I finally don’t mind being drained by grief anymore. Because as soon as I’m no longer drowning in it, I can be filled with the good things that God has for me. And I so desperately crave the feeling of his presence.

So, for now I will grieve. I will grieve the things I have had to walk through. The things I have lost. The desires of my heart that will never be.

I will come out of hiding.

I will live raw and honestly. I will remember that I am not meant to carry every depth of every detail alone. I can bring my deepest, darkest truths to God and still be loved and accepted.

Today I hurt. But I hurt with a hope.

I know that it will turn to dancing, if I am brave and take the step toward living freely, without shame of being emotionaly vulnerable.

Life is so hard sometimes, and I’m going to tell Jesus all about it. I am not alone.

And so, I will come out of hiding. I will be honest about my pain. I will begin to empty myself out, so that God will be able to fill me with his presence and goodness.

When my journey through this life feels like death around every corner, I’ve learned to let myself feel the torment. The aches and pains that this life brings. The shredding of my heart when things are ripped away from me that I held so dear, but were never mine to hold in the first place.

But, I have also learned that I cannot stay there. This is a temporary win for Satan, but he does not have the final word. My pain is real, but it does not have to stop me, freeze me, or steal my joy.

I’ve cried tears as I’ve had to say goodbye to dreams, to hopes, to a future full of love. And I don’t regret feeling it deeply. It helps me process it better. And to understand myself better later on.

And although life can be so harsh at times, I read about the heart of my Father in the Psalms and I weep with a hope that is so present. So calming.

The faithfulness that I see in God is exquisite. Absolutely breathtaking.

Read Psalm 139 with me.

“O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^a
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.”

Even through the valley of death, he is there! He knows everything that I need, even before I do, or maybe never will.

I am seen. I am heard. I am loved. And I am known.

Never will I find a love more complete, than when I look into the eyes of my Jesus while I walk through the valley.

He is there.

To express the heartache that I’ve gone through on this subject alone, could be another mini series in this journey of writing for me.

I have waged war against my own brain to try and figure out why it always rubbed me the wrong way when someone would tell me that I just needed to forgive more. My mind would apparently settle more, if I forgave more. I needed to “Let go and let God.”

I would mentally beat myself up because I carried so much shame for why my marriage still wasn’t working after I forgave. After over a decade of counseling on and off.

I felt like I needed to forget the hurt. But I couldn’t. I felt like less of a Christian to not be able to “Forgive and forget.”

What was I not doing right, that I felt so unable to jump back into a happy life where we could get along? Talk about life and be vulnerable? Laugh and have fun, but also be there emotionally when things were difficult and life became unbearable. What was is that was holding me back?

After many years of counseling, I started to recognize a pattern. The more years of repeated hurt and sin that happened, the deeper I would climb into the cave of self protection. I would hide there until the danger, or the threat of it, would pass.

I had forgiven him, but I didn’t trust him.

I was operating in the mindset that forgiveness means I don’t ever bring this up again. Forgiveness means that consequences are avoided. Forgiveness means that I need to forget the effect that his actions had.

But, is that humanly possible?

Is it even biblical?

I started reading about the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11. Jesus forgives her and tells her to, “Go and sin no more.”

Galatians 5:16-26 talks about the way a believer in Christ ought to live. It describes an old, selfish, twisted way of living before then describing how a new life in the Spirit should be characterized by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

A shift in how we live. A noticeable effort to those around us. Imperfect, albeit, but a striving to love others more than we love ourselves. A restraint to our natural tendency to please ourselves without thinking of the impact it has on those around us.

In other words, living a life where we are not continually running back to the actions we find comfortable, but rather surrendering our will to a God that has the ability to transform our very nature to reflect him better. And remove the shackles of selfishness.

Even God himself communicates that our life in him should be one of transformation and action. Because we have been forgiven, we are alive and free to love others around us as he does.

Now, before you think I’m getting all soft on you, hear this: God disciplines those he loves. It says so explicitly in Hebrews 12:6, but it’s referred to all throughout scripture.

Just like a parent gives consequences to a child when they have disobeyed because they love them and want the best for their life, God also gives consequences to those who choose to continue in their sin.

Does that mean he hasn’t forgiven us? Absolutely not! He’s forgiven us AND he expects our lives to now reflect the joy of that forgiveness. He calls us to live better, by his Spirit that’s within us. A changed life requires a changed perspective.

A life that is changed internally is revealed through actions externally.

Living out what we say we believe. God expects this change, because we are the living testimony to his grace and salvation. If we are not being transformed, we continue to live our own way, and have no care to testify to the goodness of our God, be prepared to be corrected! Forgiveness does not mean that God forgets the sinful actions we’ve been a part of. After all, he’s a God that knows everything. And a God that knows everything wouldn’t be able to forget anything!

What it does mean, is that if we confess it to him and repent of it, he will not hold it against us, but instead, mold and shape us into a more beautiful vessel for living out his plan for our lives.

But what it also means, is even if we confess it, but don’t repent of it (meaning we try our very best with his help to never do that again), we will be disciplined because he loves us and wants the best for us. All while working toward the goal of molding and shaping us into a more beautiful vessel for living out his plan for our lives.

He also wants us to represent him well. We cannot do that by continuing to live selfishly.

So, what I had to eventually learn, is the reason it rubbed me the wrong way when I would hear someone tell me that I just needed to forgive more, was because really what they were describing was trust, not forgiveness.

They were asking me to trust him again after he’d hurt me….again. And I was to keep trusting him, even though he was living an untrustworthy life.

I’m here to tell you, that is one of the most ungodly pieces of advice that a person could ever give. To ask someone to trust an untrustworthy person is not only enabling sin and welcoming danger of all sorts onto that person, it is taking glory away from the cross. It becomes a mockery to God requiring us to repent. It waters down the potent power of redemption. Of buying back our access to God with Jesus’s very blood.

We don’t get to just confess that we’ve done something wrong, and then continue to do those wrong things and think that our Holy God will stand back and shrug his shoulders in forgiveness.

No! If we are in Him, we are to live trustworthy lives. And when we hurt others, apologize, and then make sure we are moving away from that lifestyle. Because let’s be real, it’s not just people we are hurting. It’s the heart of God that we grieve when we live in hypocrisy. When we testify to his goodness with our mouths, but then destroy people with the way we live. Why would anyone want Jesus, if what they see of his people are individuals living in habitual sin, but claim to be forgiven of it? What a mockery!

If we are wanting people to trust us, then we need to be trustworthy! Don’t use the spiritual abuse way out by asking for more forgiveness. The problem is our behavior.

Luke 16:10 explains this concept better than I can.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”

God will not be mocked, as it says in Galatians 6:7. He will discipline those he loves (Hebrews 12:6). And sometimes when we’ve been repeatedly hurt by others who are not willing to repent, we have to walk away and let God work on them. That’s part of his discipline.

God commands us to love others. He commands us to forgive them. He commands us to respect them. But he never asks us to trust someone who is not trustworthy. Remember that.

There’s something about a good show. The satisfaction of quality music that ignites the emotions within us. Maybe it’s because it tells a story that we identify with. Or maybe it creates a wave of inspiration to rise to the occasion and conquer our goals. It might bring a nostalgia of times gone by. Or an aggression that we’ve tried to contain. Music is the language of the soul. It leaves no one untouched.

Perhaps that’s why we tend to idolize or put the artist on a pedestal. They’ve been able to put into words what we have been feeling or want to feel. The way they are able to combine words with rhythm and melody can leave us standing in awe.

Do you ever catch yourself wondering what their lives are like off the stage? I know I do. Maybe it sounds cliche, but I find myself praying for celebrities quite often. Can you even imagine the amount of pressure they live under? If you are still skeptical, take a quick glance at the cover of a tabloid the next time you’re in line at the grocery store.

I’m not sure millions of dollars would be enough to convince me to have my real image, unfiltered for the world to see, all over magazines everywhere. And being scrutinized, nonetheless! Sometimes I look at these photos and think to myself, “Well geez, her muffin top that apparently disqualified her from having a beach ready body, still looks better than mine.” And yet here we stand, gawking at this celebrity’s calamity, shaking our heads in amazement that she let herself go that much. “And she still wore a bikini! Gasp!”

Really?

I say, good for her for being confident and refusing to give in to the idea that her body has to look a certain way in order to enjoy a day at the beach! We need more people like that. Real. Honest. Unfiltered. And happily confident in who they are.

Next time you find yourself tempted to scrutinize someone around you for how they look, just remember that it could be your unfiltered image being broadcast for all to see.

Do we not all have something we would rather the world not know about? I know I sure do! Not that I have deep, dark secrets, but I also would like to have some privacy and non-judgement when I wake up first thing in the morning. You know, when my hair’s doing that weird thing, and I have evidence that I did indeed drool last night? Come on, please don’t snap a picture of me at my very worst moment and especially at an unflattering angle. That’s just mean.

Why are we so afraid to be real? Can we all agree that we all have stuff to work on? Things to get better at? Habits to break; lifestyle choices to commit to to better ourselves? Why do we tend to be a certain way “on stage”, but when the stage lights dim, we scurry back into the shadows like cockroaches, afraid that the light might be too, well, illuminating?

Well, I think it might have something to do with our confidence. And where we find it.

For me, I’ve had to learn the hard way that my confidence cannot come from what people say of me. The cruelty of humanity becomes acute in times of crisis. Have you noticed this?

Especially when a person goes from a leadership roll of some sort, to a person in need of intervention. Think Britney Spears. At the top of her game. All the young girls wished they were her. Even Pink wrote a song, loathing the fact that she was compared to Britney.

And then, the truth was revealed. She was using drugs. How dare she do that! She was a mother of young children!

She went from most idolized, to most appalling celebrity in a matter of hours.

I applaud her ability to rise above that and get clean. What an enormous mountain she must have had to climb! But she did it. And she is still in the spotlight today. She was real, even when it was hard to admit the truth to the public. She was honest with her struggle. And she got the help she needed to overcome that habit. She remains one of the celebrities I admire most. Not because of her lifestyle, but because of her courage to stand her ground in the face of adversity. When insults were being thrown at her. When she was being judged. When her motherhood was being questioned. When her career was threatened and her paycheck frozen, she overcame.

Again, just to clarify, I do not endorse a majority of her lifestyle. But, even someone that I wouldn’t choose to model my life after, still has something that she did well and I admire. What if we all came at it from that perspective?

Let’s take this to scripture. I’m reminded of the woman at the well. Jesus could have completely annihilated her with shame from her past. Here she was, caught in sin. She had been married five times. And the man she was now with, wasn’t even her husband. But, Jesus leaves her with a sense of joy and forgiveness. Enough that she runs back into town declaring to everyone that she just met a man “who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?”

What if we left people with that sort of feeling of being forgiven and left with confidence? What if we, instead of slaughtering people for their mistakes and hangups, decided to leave them in the hands of our Father? What if we lived in the confidence that we stand forgiven, so who are we not to forgive others?

Does that mean that we can always trust a person who has wronged us in the past? No, unfortunately not always. But, that’s another post for another day. What I am saying though, is let’s question our motives when it comes to the confidence we exude. Are we running on judgement, or are we coming at it from the mindset of one who has been forgiven also?

Would we want to be picked apart the same way that we are picking apart others? Then, let’s not do that anymore. This world is hard enough as it is. We fight so many battles already. People don’t need to hear what we’re against. I guarantee, they already know. They need to hear what we’re for.

We should be for restoration. God’s way. And his timing. We might think we know what is best, but I assure you that the Holy Spirit is still alive and active and will convict when needed, as he has promised to do. Let the Holy Spirit do his job. He doesn’t need our help.

And the way we live our lives matters! It matters so much, that if we are not living in the state of knowing that we have been forgiven much, we can actually make Jesus not only undesirable, but flat out repulsive!

Have you ever been around someone who was so egocentric and religious, that you just wanted to find the nearest exit? Yeah, me too! I don’t want to be around someone like that! Let’s not be that person that makes people run from Jesus! Let’s be the kind of people, that when others are around us, they are drawn to our humility and kindness. And then in turn, they will see that it’s not because we are particularly special that we are able to stand confidently, but because they recognize that we know that we don’t deserve this peace, but are fully able to embrace it because of the God that we serve. He gives us that confidence to move past our failures. He doesn’t scrutinize. It is his kindness that leads us to repentance.

Now, THAT is something to stand tall and confident on! When the stage lights dim on my life, may I be known as one who stands consistently confident in the One who knows me on and off the stage.

Hebrews 10: 32-39

32 But remember the former days, when, after being enlightened, you endured a great conflict of sufferings, 33 partly by being made a public spectacle through insults and distress, and partly by becoming companions with those who were so treated. 34 For you showed sympathy to the prisoners and accepted joyfully the seizure of your property, knowing that you have for yourselves a better and lasting possession. 35 Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.

37 For yet in a very little while, he who is coming will come, and will not delay.

38 But my righteous one will live by faith; and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.

39 But we are not among those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith for the safekeeping of the soul.

I was exhausted. To the point that I was grouchy with my kids. I was grouchy with my parents and friends. I was grouchy for being grouchy. I was absolutely disgusted with where I was at in life.

I was running my emotional, physical, and spiritual tank on empty. Let’s be honest. I was sucking the last fumes from the tank. I was sputtering to an unwanted halt in life. And it made me mad.

“God, I don’t get it,” I yelled. “Why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I get motivated? Why is my life so chaotic? Why can’t I seem to get ahead? Why do I empty myself for those around me and then turn around and realize that I’m in an ocean of details that I can’t figure out, and I’m drowning?” I beat my pillow with my fists until sweat, tears, and possibly snot, stained the pillowcase a darker shade of gray.

“Why does life have to be so STUPID?” I may or may not have used those exact words.

“Clear your life.”

“Wait, what?”

“Clear your life. Clear your house. Clear your schedule. Clear your conscience. Clear your expectations for the day. Clear your definition of success. Clear your desire to be liked. Clear it all.”

“But God, I already have a truck load of things to do and accomplish! I don’t have time to do that! It stresses me out just thinking about where to start!!!”

“Mmmmhmmm. Do it anyway. Then, abide in me.”

“Oh. Yeah, that.”

In all my striving to “do good things”, I had lost sight of whom I was to be doing it for. My priorities shifted from things above, to earthly things. And then it got to a point where I was so busy striving, that I “didn’t have time” for abiding.

“I miss you, Michelle.” God is always so non-condemning. I felt my heart do a long-jump into my throat. My tears of anger turned to grief. I had been burying what was actually going on at a heart level and covered it nice and neatly with good deeds. Until my body couldn’t keep on pretending for one nano second longer.

I was road weary. It was time to admit it. Not only to myself, but to God. I had to apologize. I had spent so much energy wanting people around me to be okay. To know that I was there for them. To know that they weren’t alone. To the point of completely neglecting my rest.

I would lie awake at night for hours, worrying about scenarios with those I care about who didn’t agree with my life choices. It also ate at me during the day, leaving me heartsick and distracted from what God had for me that day.

And the cycle continued as I would try to cover up worry with filling up my schedule. If I don’t have time to think about it, it’ll go away, right? Sure, just like the scummy, pink ring in your toilet bowl goes away once you put the lid down.

I needed to clear clutter and create space. Space for God again. Space for who he wants me to be. Space for the things that he had planned for me to do. Space for not only reading his word, but space to let it soak in. Space to hear his voice. Space to hear the Holy Spirit convict and move in my life. Space to learn about God’s grace and forgiveness. Space to rest in solitude with the one who already gave it all for me. And for you.

The last month and a half has been about clearing my life. I’m going minimalist in my home. That’s no easy task with four girls that love to keep all the things. No, all of it. Even the original packaging it came in. I’m speechless as well.

Also, paring down homeschool supplies is not for the faint of heart!

I’ve cleared my schedule, my mornings, my constant need to check social media, and my kitchen counters. Can we all just take a hot minute to imagine clear kitchen counters?

Yes, my kitchen counters prevented me from thinking like a civilized human being. They were constantly cluttered with either dirty dishes, piles of mail mixed with kids broken toys, appliances that weren’t used on a daily basis, or even a combination of all the above at times. Okay, more times than not. It was embarrassing to invite myself into my kitchen, let alone a guest.

Not that my kitchen deserves a full page featured photo in The Magnolia Journal, but I made it simple and clean so my brain can settle. And so can my girls! Most of our home life happens in the kitchen. If the kitchen is cluttered, our whole life begins to be cluttered.

But, my very favorite place that I’ve made clutter free are my mornings. Which means an earlier bedtime for me. I’ve put boundaries on how late I allow myself to stay up doing housework, researching for my blog, hanging out with friends, or watching my favorite show. I can’t have a clear morning without a cleared sleep schedule.

So, will my house look perfect the next time you come over? Ummm, I certainly hope not. That would mean I don’t allow my kids to be kids, or myself to be a worn out, homeschooling, single mother of four. I don’t aim for perfection. But what I do aim for is obedience to God. He told me to clear my life. To simplify my expectations. So that he has room to fill me, to immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. So, I will listen and obey. I will clear my life so that I have room for God to move.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had the question run through your head, “What do I contribute to this world?” We all ask ourselves this. Or something similar. Essentially, we are probing at our value.

Now, ponder with me for just a second as I take you down a spaghetti trail through my analytical brain. I think it’s slightly humorous that my questions used to be viewed as inconvenient by some. “Michelle, you think too much.” As if that’s a thing. What great accomplishment can you think of, short of an accidental discovery, came from someone who decided that they were going to think less? Critical thinking is essential to obtaining wisdom.

And so, here comes the question. How do we quantify value? Value is relative, right? Or is it? What is the standard? Who defines the value of something? Okay, that was more than one question. Welcome to my mind. Pull up a chair and relax. We’ve got a lot to unpack.

I suppose it depends on the object of interest, does it not? For instance, if I want to buy a home, there are a lot of factors that would go into what I would consider to be the “ideal home”. I may be willing to forgo having a huge yard, because the safety of the neighborhood and the home itself is more valuable to me than having acreage. So, the value of the home is negotiated in my mind and settled upon without necessarily having to view every single home in the state of Washington before coming to a conclusion of whether or not to put an offer on the house. I’m able to be decisive about what matters to me. This home is worth my investment.

But, even though I am able to come to a swift decision that this home is the most ideal for me and my family, someone else in different circumstances may absolutely disagree with my decision based upon their personal needs. Maybe this person has horses, and so acreage is non-negotiable. This house would not be worth their personal investment for their particular needs. It becomes relative.

But, let’s be clear. I’m not here to talk real estate. I’m here to talk about the value of human existence.

When did we start to believe in our value as relative? Particularly in ourselves. Sure, there are those out there that would also view someone else’s life as less valuable than their own. But, that’s a psychological discussion for another day.

My focus for today, is on the fact that so many of us struggle to see value in ourselves. Isn’t that why we see (in some cases) depression, work-a-holics, apathetic recluses, people running from one relationship to the next, and never finding the contentment they were so sure they’d find? We strive so very hard to try to find somewhere to fit. Someone to love and who will love us in return. We work so hard to establish titles and be “important”, that when it’s been accomplished, we’re left with a feeling of, “Well, now what?”.

When did our value become relative? When did we start looking outside of the basics of existence for the qualitative element of value to be approved?

If you’re having a difficult time following my question, let me give you an example. I want you to stop and think about the last time that you did something for yourself, simply because you knew you needed it. Without feeling guilty. Let’s get specific. Moms, when was the last time you were able to take a nap (if you were even able to fall asleep) without thinking of all those dishes piled in the sink, laundry that needed to be transfered to the dryer, or Mt. Washmore that has volcanically errupted in the middle of your living room floor? “Gah! I feel so guilty! I shouldn’t take a nap. I need to get that done first.” Then, if you resemble my life patterns at all, are grumpy with the kids and don’t end up being able to finish even half of what you were hoping to because, well, you ran out of energy.

Why do we feel guilty? Is it not because we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that judgement of our inability to keep a house looking like a photo from a magazine, is less than acceptable? “What if someone were to stop by right now? What would they think of me?” And so, we exchange our needs, for what we believe to be what everyone else expects us to be. The hilarity comes when we realize that WE ARE ALL DOING THIS! Every last one of us. To varying degrees, no doubt. But, we all are living for the expectations of others.

I’ll be completely honest with you. If you come over to my house, and it looks like a picture out of a magazine, and I still have a smile on my face, you can know that the smile is hiding a frantic, hot mess of a woman inside. The reality is that I most likely just got done being entirely too harsh on my kids to pick up their mess. And also, I just hid the pile of unfolded laundry that I slacked on behind a closed door so nobody can see that we are human.

My reality, although I’m constantly trying to work at it, is that life gets messy. And I’m not being figurative. Anyone who’s been over to my home in the last year, will probably nod their heads in agreement when I say, we live in a constant state of cleaning up some sort of mess. I have four kids, a dog the size of a miniature pony, a cat, and eight birds. Yes, eight. That was not on purpose, nor is that number representory of the total from that “oopsies”. I simply cannot keep up 100% of the time. But, you know what? Life isn’t always going to be this complicated either. I will have the majority of my life to live in a nice and tidy house. And I have been warned, that I will miss the mess and chaos when it’s gone. Although, right now that seems unfathomable.

Back to the relitivity of our personal value. How did we come to this? We all pretend to have it all together, but none of us really do. I should insert: if you have it all together, all the time, pretty please give me lessons. And also write a book, do a podcast, or somehow broadcast it to the world, because we need you and your insights. Oh, and then I will drop by your house at random times just to test the integrity of your claim.

As I was reading in Genesis 3, something hit me. And it made me wonder if this is when “we” as humans started to allow our value to be determined outside of the simplistic value that God created us to exist in. Read with me.

Genesis 3: 1-6

1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?'” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, ” We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.

So, the first thing I notice is the deception. And he’s so sneaky about it. He makes a solid and seemingly flawless claim. So much of it is truth. And then, he twists it. To his advantage. He implies that there is knowledge that Eve is unaware of. As if God wasn’t clear enough with them about these guidlines. And then he pushes further into the scheme by then making the inevitable consiquence of partaking in this fruit as not only okay, but better than their current quality of life. He even has the gall to accuse God of flat out lying to them. As if God didn’t come clean with a full disclosure. No, Adam and Eve’s life would indeed be better after partaking of this fruit. They would know what God knows. Why would God hold out on them? What a jerk.

Their sense of pride was stirred. They agreed that God was holding out on them. They decided that a reptile was more believable than the creator they walked the Garden of Eden with every day. The one who had given them life and everything they needed to live it perfectly.

All of a sudden, they allowed an outsider to determine how they viewed their intellectual value. They apparently didn’t know everything and needed correction. At least, that was the rationale. They enabled the serpent to distract them from the simple trust that they had with God. The beautiful sense of fullfillment of just being God’s children was flushed out, as the geyser of pride and self-entitlement flooded their minds and emotions. Now they could be played. They forgot who they were, long enough to engage in a prideful act that would change everything, forever. Now it would be easier to make them doubt their value later on. Now shame could be added to the concoction of evil ploy.

Friends, the battle hasn’t changed. The scenery has, but the intentions and tactics of Satan are exactly the same. Take some truth, twist it with an agenda, and give the person every reason to believe that they are not smart enough, beautiful enough, powerful enough, strong enough, capable enough, valuable enough. It’s a force so strong, that even Jesus himself had to willfully resist it’s strangling grip, by speaking truth over the lies.

And we’ve taken the bait. We’ve given in to the thought that our worth is relative. It’s based upon our behavior and how other people percieve our efforts. And if we are not met with accolade, we are left with a sense of being less important. Not worth it. Unusable. Of no value. And so we live our lives in a hampster wheel, trying desperately to look busy. Running at full speed, shouting, “Look, I’m making something of myself. See how hard I’m working?” But, in reality we’re wasting precious energy running a “race” that can never be won.

I once had someone speak over me at a conference. He told me that he perceived me as a runner, stuck at the starting block. One who had fully trained, geared up, and had the will to win, but never left the starting point.

This bothered me to no end. Oh, it bothered me! I slept on it and even came back the next day to ask him to clarify what he meant. I expressed how tired I was. I told him that I am so diligent, and that I hate inefficiency. What in the world did he mean I was stuck? I’ve been going non-stop.

His response made me want to learn Karate, just so I could give him a solid kick. He smiled gently, and said, “I don’t really know what it means. That’s between you and God. You’ll have to ask him about it.”

There was so much wisdom in that. And, for those wondering, he is one of the men that I look up to the most now. I absolutely adore the fatherly advice that he gave me that day. You know what I did? I spent time praying. Seeking the truth. Yelling at God. Releasing years of frustration. Reading the Word.

And here’s what God revealed to me: I was running the wrong race. I was at the starting block to a race that I had not been designed to run. I was in the race of “people pleasing”. It was impossible to win, therefore my mind raced and was completely exhausted, but my feet never left the start line. It was the beginning to my jouney of discovering that my value does not come from what I am able to accomplish or how many people I’m able to impress. My value comes from my Abba, who breathed on me, his purpose and plan. He set me up to run the race that he had marked out for me. I could stop striving on my own, and rest in the reality that I don’t have to know everything about being impressively knowledgeable about everything. It’s okay that I need others to help. It’s okay that my kitchen isn’t perfect, or that I have a pile of laundry that needs attention.

The race that God has clearly showed me that he has had me in training for, is to love people. And most of the time, that looks messy. I plan to do housework, and one of my kids needs my attention. Or someone calls and needs to talk. Or someone shows up at my doorstep because they feel alone, and they know my house is a safe place to rest and be loved on. This is why my house is in a constant state of mess. But, I would never trade it. I would never value that my house look like a magazine, over someone’s heart being cared for.

I’m learning that my value does not come from what I do or what I plan to do. It comes from living out the designed race that God has for me. That has value. And that value can never be taken away. That value doesn’t get to be assessed by others, and then determined relevant or not. I am relevent. I am valuable. Because God says so. And I choose to rest in that. I choose to rest in the mess, so the real work can be accomplished well. My worth is not relative.

Matthew 11: 28-30

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

How do you view yourself? I mean, do you feel that you “deserve” happiness? Uh oh. I just made some of you really uncomfortable, didn’t I? Isn’t the Christian phraseology supposed to go something like, “I feel blessed”, or “If God wills it”? But, deserve? I’m not sure that’s theologically conducive to a purist mentality. That might suggest selfishness to admit that I deserve anything. After all, isn’t what I really “deserve” nothing more than hell and eternal suffering?

Hmm, interesting. I’m glad you brought that up. Let’s focus on that one for a hot minute. Yes, the pun was intentional.

I’m just wondering why that word has a negative connotation. Could it have something to do with how we view ourselves? Could it translate into how we think God views us? Or how we self define what is “right” for us, based upon our actions? Could it have something to do with how we have been hurt in the past? And how we still carry the damage from that hurt in our very souls, to the point that we have believed that we are no longer deserving of anything good?

Let’s play out this mentality a bit. If I go to work for 40 hours a week for a year, do I not deserve to be paid? Is that not the agreement? How many of us would feel justified to take an employer to court if we worked a year without pay? Sheesh, I wouldn’t last a week! At the very least, we would be angry and make sure we told everyone we know of the injustice done, and petition a boycott of said organization. We even have the Bureau of Labor and Industries that would be all over shutting down a business that operates in such a manner. So, there are definitely scenarios where we do indeed “deserve” things.

If you are still debating whether this post is worthy of slapping the label “blasphemous” with a red inked stamp, please hear me out before burning me at the stake. I still hold to the Biblical teaching that salvation is not something that we deserve, nor can we earn it. It is a gift from God. It comes through the sacrifice of Jesus’s death, burial, and resurrection. Please reread that if you must, in order to assure yourself that I have not jumped off of the theologically sound bandwagon.

Here’s where I do want to challenge your thinking though. I think often times, it’s easy for us Christians to make a blanket statement about words like “deserve”, and live an impoverished and half starved spiritual life. Uh oh. I just made you uncomfortable again, huh? Wait, does she hold to a prosperity gospel?

Let me ease your mind. Yes! Yes I do believe that God wants us to prosper! Why else would Psalm 1: 1-3 say, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all he does, he prospers.”? God’s words, not mine. God wants us to prosper! No, not necessarily in the same way as the typical human would view prospering, but sometimes, absolutely! I hear King Solomon’s riches would demote Joel Osteen to a pauper. And God said he was wise! Not selfish. Not self seeking. Let’s be real here, if nobody in the church had any money, you can kiss that 20oz. skinny, soy vanilla latte that you purchased last Sunday from the “He-brews Café” in the foyer of your church goodbye. As well as the kid’s programs, community outreaches, and sponsored missionaries. Yes, God’s word goes forth when we prosper. So, therefore he wants us to prosper. Now simmer.

Okay, back to deserving though. I mean, okay, I’ve explained why I believe we should prosper in the right context, but how am I going to pull off the whole deserving magic? It’s not as magical as one would think. Unless you view God as similar to Gandalf, but more, you know “all powerful”. In which case, we could be good friends.

If God says that we are his kids, do we not deserve to be called by that? Does anyone get to reinvent, retitle, or redefine us? Nope! That’s what he says we are. Sit on that for a second. If you are in Christ, you deserve to be called his child. Simply because that’s what you are, and nothing else. Did we work for, earn, and maintain that title? Nope. But we still deserve to be called that. Anything else is an offensive lie.

So, having laid the groundwork for context, are we still tracking together? Do I believe we deserve everything we want? That’s silly. I would have been driving by the age of 9, and the world would be even more damaged than it already is today. But, I do believe that we deserve those things that God has given to us as gifts to enjoy. We deserve happiness. Because God loves to make us happy! Did you know when we read scripture, and it says, “Blessed are those…”, it actually means, “Happy are those…”? Yes, in the right context, God gives us the right to be happy in him! To be happy in the gifts he gives us, and then to spread that happiness to others. And those around us have the right to experience that happiness as well! It’s not about keeping it hidden, or as some kind of a secret code between us and God.

Why is it so hard for us to accept that God, do I dare say, shows us that we deserve love and affection? Perhaps because we have been living in a state of a wounded mindset.

I was sexually molested by two strangers when I was 9. Wow, shocking plot twist there. My sincerest apologies for giving you eye whiplash. Yes, you read that correctly. I bring this up, because it’s so very relevant to how many of us struggle to view ourselves in the way that God views us. Since the age of 9, I have been conditioned to think that I am property. Disposable. Something to use, and then discard when no longer wanted by the user. My mindset has caused me an enormous amount of grief that could have been avoided, if I would have known how to live in my worth, rather than the painful wound that those two men slapped on me at such a young age. I have lived most of my life truly believing that I was damaged goods. That nobody would really want me. So I gave in to whoever showed me attention. I perpetuated the hurt by drawing in more people who would take advantage of my hurt. I became a self fulfilled prophesy. I became worthless, because I allowed people to treat me as such.

Can you relate? Abuse, abandonment, neglect, death of a parent, divorce, and so many other things, can lead to having an improper view of ourselves. It impacts the value that we place on ourselves. Somehow the lie is slowly implanted that we must not mean much for these life circumstances to have happened to us. Somehow, this ends up being our fault, and we deserve less happiness as a result. Did you just catch that? We deserve less happiness. Oh, so we do deserve things, just not good things. Or so we learn to believe.

But, what happens when I step away from that label, and start living in the worth that God has placed upon me since before the foundations of the world were laid? What happens when I start to refuse to let other people’s opinion or view of me, define my potential? What happens when I separate me from what happens around me? What happens when I stop seeking the approval of others, and press in to the approval that I already have from my Heavenly Father?

A star is born! No, not the Hollywood kind (but, if you’d like to nominate me, I wouldn’t be mad). The kind made of hydrogen and helium. The kind that through the stirring of it’s nuclear forges, produces light and heat. The kind that contains the power to radiate heat and light up the darkness! The kind where life is able to flourish and multiply. The kind that life is drawn to, can only survive because of, and becomes dependent on. That’s what happens!

When I start to live in the value that I am worth not only being loved, but craved, needed, wanted, I stand in a God given confidence! Does he not crave my affection? He absolutely does! That’s why he wants me to read his word, pray, and worship! Because he longs to be with me! Not as some needy and starved animal, but as a lover of my soul, in pursuit of making me into the whole person he sees me already being. He longs for me. He longs for ME! And he longs for you too!

When I am able to live in light of his perfect love for me, all of a sudden, I no longer feel the need to find my wholeness from another person. That’s an impossibility for those who are wondering. We cannot look to another hurting soul to bind up our brokenness and make us all better, so we can live happily ever after. That’s a God sized job, so stop doing what I did by putting that weight on those I craved attention from the most. When they eventually don’t come through, devastation is inevitable. And, it’s unfair to both them and you.

I have been learning, albeit through painful circumstances, that I cannot look for happiness in any other place than my own soul. That is my garden that God has gifted me with to cultivate. I get out of it what I put into it. If I plant seeds of worthlessness, I will harvest a worthless crop. If I plant seeds of worth, value, self love, respect, and strength, I will harvest that as well. And, until I know who I am in Christ, I won’t be able to choose the right seed to plant. But, when I learn the technique, I draw the blessing of merging the garden of my soul, with the baby star of God given confidence, to create an ecosystem that’s sustainable. Those who cultivate their souls through knowing their worth, draw others who do the same. And from that, I reap the immense blessing of friendship and Christ centered love. The kind that everyone envies and wants to have, but doesn’t know how to get. How much more simple, than to realize my own worth, and benefit all of that because I chose to love me? The me that God loves. The me that I am discovering. The me that is WORTH IT!

Do I deserve happiness? Yes! Do I deserve to be loved? Yes! Do I deserve to prosper? Yes! But, I better cultivate that in my own garden, with God’s help first! Because only then will I be able to come boldly, confidently to a place where I can be happily me. Not looking around for someone to complete me. Because although I have been broken, I was never incomplete to begin with.