Then Came The Storm

Remember the brick wall? Black ooze of the past? Feeling alone and desperate, but having no way of overcoming the impossible? Oh, do I dare say it gets better?

As I have stood at that wall with no way around or over it, I have wondered if this was it. This is how it ends? Well, at least I did my best. I gave it all I had.

Then came the storm…

An earth shaking, ground buckling magnitude of force that shook me to my core and flattened me on my back with no hope of righting myself. A moment where I felt an accute sense of smallness. An object being tossed about helplessly like a pebble on a highway. What is this, and when does it end?

I will tell you this much….realizing my need to divorce while being in a significant church leadership roll (or my then husband, rather), has been the most lonely and devistating thing I have ever had to do. Not only, does it cause doubt, fear, sadness, and maybe even anger, in those who’ve been left in it’s wake, but it sent me spiralling into aloneness. Nobody knows what to do with an ex-music pastor’s, ex-wife.

The friends that I had beside me before, suddenly disappeared. My entire support base and prayer warriors went silent. Only a few reached out to see what they could do to help. And as to not fall prey to apathy, I did have some huge financial help in the first couple of months. But, it soon fizzled out. As if bills cease to exist for me, when the shock wears off from everyone else. Being left alone to raise four young kids with not enough financial backing is like telling a starving dog to hunt for its own dinner. And that is how I have felt. Somehow this ends up being my fault for leaving. Right? I mean, I could have stayed in my marriage. I could have chosen to keep living in the oppression that was killing me from the inside out. At least I got to be home with our kids. Would that have been the better choice? Hardly.

I can only imagine that some just don’t know how to process it. Others may not agree with my decision. Others still don’t know what happened, so they live in ignorance. Not that any of this is anyone’s fault. I want to be very careful as to not blame or shame anyone involved. But, I do want to bring awareness. I want to call people to a clearer picture of what it is like to go from church leader, to church forgotten. There is a gaping need for change in the church’s response when it comes to abuse that leads to divorce. And I’m starting the change with me. I know that this happens even more commonly with those who are not in church leadership.

Back at the wall, being jostled around was what I have lived for the past year. But what I started to see happening, was that while I was being shaken like never before, so was the wall! And just like I was not able to stay upright, neither did the wall! It started to crumble and give way! God was working. He was there. He did see. He knew my limitations.

And then I realized that after the shaking stopped, the wall was no longer a wall, but an enormous pile of rubble. Was I tired? Yes. Was I bloodied, bruised, and out of energy? Yes. But it was now climbable. I could now find safety from the threat behind me.

I have my work cut out for me. Some days, it’s like climbing a mountain. One foot in front of the other. Not seeing much change in scenery, but trusting that some movement is better than none. One more step means progress. One more step toward the summit.

Have you ever had the experience of summiting a mountain? If you have, you are well aware of the sense of accomplishment that feeds your will to continue. If you have not, allow me to paint you a word picture.

In August, I had the incredible experience of summiting He Devil, the highest point in the Seven Devils Mountains in Idaho. An elevation of 9,420 feet. Most of the climb was steep incline. Think boulders and loose rock. The ascent is complex, with very few switch backs, and more of a verticle defiance against lethargy. It was tough! I had to take breaks to catch my breath and refuel with water, electrolytes, and protein. There were points where I found myself asking, “How much further until the summit? I’m tired!” But, I was also warned that the descent is even more difficult. So why do it?

I did it for the view at the top that I heard would be so amazing. I did it because in this girl that you may have come to know as having a lot of grace, there is also an epic amount of grit. I don’t like to give up. I like to finish. And finish strong. I like to challenge myself to do things that I’ve never done before. And then encourage other people to try it too.

I remember when I climbed that last boulder to the summit, how amazing it felt to now be able to say that I had done it! I got to the top! As I struggled to catch my breath in the oppressive altitude, I remember looking at the view around me. I lost my breath again. This time it wasn’t from the high elevation. The beauty was astounding. The fresh wind cooling my sweaty face was like a kiss from the angels.

As I stood atop, I had a 360 degree view of the Hell’s Canyon Wilderness. In the distance, I could see the Wallowa Mountains, and was absolutely enamored by the view of at least 12 lakes surrounding me. And for a moment, I forgot about the struggle to get there. It was all worth it.

I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul’s exhortation to the Hebrew church to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” We have a hope. His name is Jesus. There is a plan, it’s called “the race”. Our perseverance will earn us the satifaction of completion. Of winning. Of being a finisher.

So, that wall? It’s actually going to become a mountain with a view from the top. And the climb? It’s tough! But, you don’t have to do this alone! I know what it is to be alone. I don’t want you there! I am here for you in your journey. If you are feeling trapped or weary from your travels, please reach out to me! Either leave a comment, or if you’d like to discuss something more privately, email me. I may not have answers, but I can pray for you, be a shoulder to lean on when your strength is gone, or get you connected with one of the Relentless Rise adventures so that you can feel a sense of community around you. We were made for togetherness. Let’s climb this mountain, and enjoy the view from the top together!

Hebrews 12: 1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Me at the summit of He Devil.
A view from the top.

The Wall

What do you do when you’ve hit a wall? In life. In your emotions. In your options for moving forward and gaining momentum toward a goal.

I’m not referring to those times when it’s actually just a hurdle that’s difficult, but still have the option to jump over it. I’m not even referring to a road block that although inconvenient and time consuming, can still be maneuvered around.

I’m talking about a brick wall. A brick wall so high that you can’t see the top, and so long that it fades off into the distance. In both directions. Now what? Behind you is the past. A black ooze that threatens to pin you to that wall like a tsunami of tar, keeping you stuck in its grip. You can almost see its smirk as it inches toward you.

You’ve tried climbing the bricks to no avail. Your fingers now bloodied from the attempts, curse you for being so ambitious. You’ve tried running the lenth of the wall to a point where your legs betray you and the taste of anxiety is in each breath escaping from your wearied lungs. Knees, scarred and bruised from kneeling to pray to ask God, “What do I do now? Where are you? I’m trapped! I can’t do this anymore. I need help! Please! God???”

The only sound is the heavy breathing from your chest, and a vacuum seal. Deafening silence.

Is this it? Is this the culmination of my life’s purpose being played out in slow motion? Is there no escape? Nothing else I can try? Wow, I sure thought there’d be a better ending.

Have you ever felt trapped? Alone? Expected to somehow make it, but having no rescources to do the impossible? Oh friends, I have been there! I can tell you, the last thing you need to hear is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Really? Do you see my beat up, broken down body? And that’s not to mention my soul or my mind. Are you telling me that I just don’t have enough drive? Are you trying to tell me that I just don’t have the right perspective? I am especially fond of the sentiments that mention ALL of the “you should have” or “you could have”. Yes, but how does that help me now? It reminds me of Job’s “friends” in the Bible. “You should have lived a better life, Job. Maybe you could have avoided all this if you just lived a less sinful life, Job.” I can almost see their bony fingers pointing at him in disgust as he lay in misery on the ground, consumed with sores and grieving the death of his loved one’s. His livelyhood turning to dust, anxiety building as he watched it slip away. “What have I done wrong to deserve this?” Apparently, nothing. It was a test of his faith.

I’ll be honest. I hate tests. I think they’re a cruel and unusual punishment. I feel like they’re laced with cynicism. Do tests really show an accurate depiction of what we’ve retained? Why is it, that when given a sheet of paper filled with multiplication problems, and told that I have one minute to complete it, that I completely forget how to count by 4’s to solve the problems? I was set up for failure, wasn’t I?

Isn’t life so like that at times? It feels as though no one wants to see us succeed. If you wanted to check my progress, why not see how I do when I’m not under so much outside pressure, with a timer about to explode in my ear, to determine wether or not I’ve made the cut? Don’t we all panic and worry when time seems to be closing in on us, and 4×6 seems like an equasion for a doctoral mathematician because there’s only 10 more seconds to talk your brain into calming down and remembering what you’ve known since second grade?

Wasn’t Job just like me when he asked God, “What did I ever do to you? I thought I was living how you wanted me to, and now my kids are dead, and my friends told me that I need to repent, but there’s nothing to repent of. Then they left me. I am in severe pain from these sores all over my body. My crops and animals? Gone. Every last one. And then, like olive oil to my unleavened bread, my wife says I should just curse you and die. Uuummm, could I pretty please have an explaination?”

Why does it sometimes feel like we can help others sort through their miseries so easily, but then feel like we’re at a wall with our own? As if this is why we exist. To help others through their hardest moments, but be left alone in ours. Unable to see past the struggle. Left gasping for a breath of fresh purpose and hope.

I want you to think on that. Feel the tension of the uncomfortable; the unknown and unexplainable. Then stay tuned for next time, when I delve into how I have survived being pinned to that brick wall.

Details

Monica was organizing her things while I was doing house chores. An occurance that often catches me off guard a bit.

“Monica, you are so good at details.”

“Mom, what are details?”, she asked.

I smiled because I knew that she wasn’t asking the definition of the word, but rather the practical appilcation of it, and how she fit into that experience. I was so proud of her critical thinking skills. She is six years old! She is already wanting to know her place in this world, and how she can make it an even better existence.

“Details”, I told her, “are the small parts of life that make a profound impact on how we experience life.”

She smiled coyly, and ironically didn’t ask for the meaning of the words, “profound” or “impact”. She got the picture. She just wanted to know what she does well, and why I would point it out to her.

She makes a positive impact on how I experience life. And that made her proud. And confident! As it should!

It made me think of how we all have a unique and profound way of impacting not only how we experience life, but also how we impact the experience of others. What details are you focussed on? It affects more than just yourself.

If for instance, I am focussed on working out because I have a low sense of self-worth, and my motivation to excercise is so that I look better to gain the approval of others, I have news: my motivation will peter out like a camp fire on a rainy day. Why? Simply because my motivation was fueled by my own negative view.

So, what’s wrong with that? At least it’s motivation. At least there is something driving the reason why I excercise.

The answer is simple. Are you ready? My desperate attempt to be happy with myself, so others will hopefully be happy with me, will drain me of motivation faster than I can sign up for the latest fad diet and excercise plan. Negativity will never produce positive results. Not long term at least. There’s a better, more sustainable way.

Change the details that I am focussing on. Instead of, “I hate how my body looks. I wish someone would love me for me”, try, “I want to change how I feel about myself”, or, “I want to watch myself become who I’m meant to be; body, mind, and spirit”. When I give myself a reason outside of my unhealthy view of me, to continue to stay healthy, the driving force becomes powerful. The reason becomes more important and attainable. It becomes impactful to myself, and then to those around me. I begin to choose a healthy reason to stay active, instead of the negative ones. Positivity and a perspective that is bigger than myself, creates a movement. I give myself permission to love who I am and show others that they can love themselves too. The details are important for a well rounded and powerful existence. When I realize that positivity creates productivity, we all benefit. I inspire others to be a better version of themselves, and I glean more inspiration and motivation to continue keeping myself healthy. For me, and for those around me.

So, let’s be critical thinkers today. What details are you focussed on? And how can you change your perspective so that you can have a profound impact on how you experience life? Then let that fuel the movement that you have the ability to profoundly impact the life experience of those around you!

Identity Crisis

I have grief. It comes in waves that wash over me at unexpected times. Sometimes without warning and it feels like there is no reason for it. A random rush of emotions that sweep me off my feet, hold me down, and sends me spinning in my mind. Where did that even come from?

Ever been there? Wondering if there’s a reason for what you’re feeling? Me too!

But, there is always a reason. I just have to stop long enough to listen to what my mind is shouting at me. The root of where the emotions spring from.

Today I didn’t have to stop for long to figure out where this monstrous, life-sucking root came from. I’m sad that I find myself wondering what people REALLY think of me. And letting that consume my thoughts and cripple my ability to move on and still be effective. Approval has been my enemy. A trap to my potential. Being caught in the undertow of seeking other’s approval had completely destroyed me.

Being consumed by the thought that I was only as effective as the opinion that others had of me, blinded my ability to see who God made me to be. My forever identity in Him. It blurred my vision and led me to believe that I could somehow be redefined by those around me. Particularly of those I craved approval from the most. Heartbreaking!

And then, the emotions started to kick in. I realized that I had allowed the white flag to arise. I started to believe the lie that I will never be good enough, so why try? I’ll never be loveable, so why put myself out there? I’ll never be taken seriously, so I might as well not fight for my voice to be heard. What’s the point of exhausting myself, if I’m shot down every time? Who am I anyway? Wait….I’m the problem. Do you see where this is headed?

I’ve often caught myself wondering why I go down this psychological path. Why do I find it so hard to find the potential in myself? Why do my failures seem so catastrophic and in perpetuum, without the hope of a purpose underneath it? And then I did some research and found that I am NOT ALONE! We can all get to this point so easily, and without even realizing it.

The answer for me, lies in what (or whom) I am allowing my identity to be rooted in. And what I have discovered, is that I don’t have to live under the identity that anyone but God himself has placed upon me. I don’t have to be what others think I should be. I was never meant to carry that label.

Hey “Failure, Problem Child, Unstable, Half-Hearted, Slow, Unfixable, Stubborn, Selfish, Ignorant, Irresponsible, Frustrating, Inconvenient” Michelle? YOU ARE NOT ME! I refuse to wear the titles! For years, I wore you like a tattered old sweater. Putting you on like I had no other options in the closet. You are the lie that Satan wanted me to believe I was. And wear it with shame.

Today, I’m throwing this old, beat up, ugly sweater into the fire to be consumed! I am a daughter of The King! I refuse to wear anything less than the crown that my Abba Father has deemed me worthy of wearing.

Failure?……..No! God says He has a future full of hope for me!

Problem Child?…….No! I am loved unconditionally-that’s who I am!

Unstable?……No! He has set my feet upon solid ground, and I am IMMOVEABLE!

Half-Hearted?…..No! I am not my own. I belong to Jesus. No halfzies here!

Slow?…..No! I am well thought out and wise!

Unfixable?….No! I am redeemed!

Stubborn?…..No! I just know who I am and whose I am!

Selfish?…..No! He makes me generous!

Ignorant?……No! I am moldable and flexible!

Irresponsible?….No! I am not defined by anything less than Jesus’s blood and righteousness!

Frustrating?……No! My Abba sings over me with delight!

Inconvenient?…..No! He showed me that I am worth dying for!

I am Michelle, daughter of the Lord Most High, and I am not enough. But He is. And He makes me be enough, because I am His. I may not be complete, but I am a beautiful work in progress, redeemed by His love, made with a purpose, and worth dying for. Because HE SAYS SO!

Pardon me, I’m just going to straighten my tiara.

Rise Up!

I’ve been contemplating what exactly it is that draws me to old barns. I thought maybe it had something to do with spending the first few years of my life on my great grandparent’s farm. Smelling the smells, bottle feeding the calves, watching grandpa on his old tractor. It probably does have an influence. But what I realized tonight astounded me. Beyond the memories associated with an old barn, I looked closer and found myself identifying with its story. Just like this barn, I have been through many a storm. I’ve felt the wind beating and thrashing against me, but I have stood strong. This barn may look empty, as sometimes I feel. But, it has been a refuge and safety for living beings needing a place to keep them safe and dry until the storm had passed. I have been that too. It has seen new life, and also death. How many seasons have I been through as well?

When I step up close and see the old, weathered barn, I don’t see it as abandoned. I see it’s beauty. I see a storehouse of memories. Just waiting for someone to listen. In the moss that now grows on the outside, I see a new story being painted. Not one of youth and liveliness, but of a hushed calm. A satisfactory sigh. A breathing out of one story, and breathing into the next. A waking to a new purpose and meaning.

Although at times, I’ll admit, I feel alone and empty, I am still able to see that my story is not done yet. It may not look like what I dreamed it would look like. I still have more storms to withstand. But I know that the beauty that God is painting through my life story will calm someone else’s storm. I will use it to comfort and shelter others. I will be a shelter. I will be that faithful, weather torn, full of memories, never stopping til I’m dropping type of old barn. So, bring on the rain! And add to my weather streaked beauty.