Abide

I was exhausted. To the point that I was grouchy with my kids. I was grouchy with my parents and friends. I was grouchy for being grouchy. I was absolutely disgusted with where I was at in life.

I was running my emotional, physical, and spiritual tank on empty. Let’s be honest. I was sucking the last fumes from the tank. I was sputtering to an unwanted halt in life. And it made me mad.

“God, I don’t get it,” I yelled. “Why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I get motivated? Why is my life so chaotic? Why can’t I seem to get ahead? Why do I empty myself for those around me and then turn around and realize that I’m in an ocean of details that I can’t figure out, and I’m drowning?” I beat my pillow with my fists until sweat, tears, and possibly snot, stained the pillowcase a darker shade of gray.

“Why does life have to be so STUPID?” I may or may not have used those exact words.

“Clear your life.”

“Wait, what?”

“Clear your life. Clear your house. Clear your schedule. Clear your conscience. Clear your expectations for the day. Clear your definition of success. Clear your desire to be liked. Clear it all.”

“But God, I already have a truck load of things to do and accomplish! I don’t have time to do that! It stresses me out just thinking about where to start!!!”

“Mmmmhmmm. Do it anyway. Then, abide in me.”

“Oh. Yeah, that.”

In all my striving to “do good things”, I had lost sight of whom I was to be doing it for. My priorities shifted from things above, to earthly things. And then it got to a point where I was so busy striving, that I “didn’t have time” for abiding.

“I miss you, Michelle.” God is always so non-condemning. I felt my heart do a long-jump into my throat. My tears of anger turned to grief. I had been burying what was actually going on at a heart level and covered it nice and neatly with good deeds. Until my body couldn’t keep on pretending for one nano second longer.

I was road weary. It was time to admit it. Not only to myself, but to God. I had to apologize. I had spent so much energy wanting people around me to be okay. To know that I was there for them. To know that they weren’t alone. To the point of completely neglecting my rest.

I would lie awake at night for hours, worrying about scenarios with those I care about who didn’t agree with my life choices. It also ate at me during the day, leaving me heartsick and distracted from what God had for me that day.

And the cycle continued as I would try to cover up worry with filling up my schedule. If I don’t have time to think about it, it’ll go away, right? Sure, just like the scummy, pink ring in your toilet bowl goes away once you put the lid down.

I needed to clear clutter and create space. Space for God again. Space for who he wants me to be. Space for the things that he had planned for me to do. Space for not only reading his word, but space to let it soak in. Space to hear his voice. Space to hear the Holy Spirit convict and move in my life. Space to learn about God’s grace and forgiveness. Space to rest in solitude with the one who already gave it all for me. And for you.

The last month and a half has been about clearing my life. I’m going minimalist in my home. That’s no easy task with four girls that love to keep all the things. No, all of it. Even the original packaging it came in. I’m speechless as well.

Also, paring down homeschool supplies is not for the faint of heart!

I’ve cleared my schedule, my mornings, my constant need to check social media, and my kitchen counters. Can we all just take a hot minute to imagine clear kitchen counters?

Yes, my kitchen counters prevented me from thinking like a civilized human being. They were constantly cluttered with either dirty dishes, piles of mail mixed with kids broken toys, appliances that weren’t used on a daily basis, or even a combination of all the above at times. Okay, more times than not. It was embarrassing to invite myself into my kitchen, let alone a guest.

Not that my kitchen deserves a full page featured photo in The Magnolia Journal, but I made it simple and clean so my brain can settle. And so can my girls! Most of our home life happens in the kitchen. If the kitchen is cluttered, our whole life begins to be cluttered.

But, my very favorite place that I’ve made clutter free are my mornings. Which means an earlier bedtime for me. I’ve put boundaries on how late I allow myself to stay up doing housework, researching for my blog, hanging out with friends, or watching my favorite show. I can’t have a clear morning without a cleared sleep schedule.

So, will my house look perfect the next time you come over? Ummm, I certainly hope not. That would mean I don’t allow my kids to be kids, or myself to be a worn out, homeschooling, single mother of four. I don’t aim for perfection. But what I do aim for is obedience to God. He told me to clear my life. To simplify my expectations. So that he has room to fill me, to immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. So, I will listen and obey. I will clear my life so that I have room for God to move.